HP Fandom’s Finest News Source
An anonymous author has written an unspecified fic in which He Who Must Not Be Named finds the love that dare not speak its name, which is receiving untold praise and admiration from unidentified fans.
“My favorite part can’t be told,” says one nameless reader, speaking from his unknown place of origin. “He Who Must Not Be Named finds indescribable bliss with an uncertain person whose identity is not available to the public.”
The anonymous author refuses to speak about her fic, but has disclosed plans for a sequel, which will be a crossover between Harry Potter and The Ten Commandments, and involves He Who Must Not Be Named encountering the God of the Hebrews, He Who Has No Name.
Emily Lichstein, 48, reviewed the fic “Chocolate Bliss” last Monday, unaware as she wrote her glowing review that the fic was written by her daughter Michelle Adams, 17, under the name EriseddesirE.
“The part where she looks up and he has her chocolate lying across his tongue is sooo hot,” Lichstein wrote as Michelle finished her trigonometry homework in the kitchen, referring to the scene in which Hermione Granger, unable to find a piece of chocolate she bought at Honeydukes, realizes that Ron Weasley has it in his mouth. “You really let the tension build in this one, and UST is one of the things I love to see in a fic. I hope you keep writing, because I’d really love to see more from you.” Lichstein then turned off the computer and went to the living room, where she yelled at Michelle for leaving her dirty socks on the floor.
By Madame Zeldanska, Certified Astronomlogonomer
Aries: You always wanted to be a BNF, but you had sort of hoped it would be for something other than being “the one who threw up on Rupert Grint.”
Taurus: After a long debate that will appear on Fandom Wank four different times in four different forms, the fandom will generally agree that you were justified in your comparison of author Floral Fauna Sprite to “Jane Austen, if Jane Austen was translated by Yoda on a day when the Force ebbed low.”
Gemini: You will almost be fired from work for reading the fourteenth chapter of your favorite Luna fic when you were supposed to be typing a memo, but will save your job by discovering your boss’s Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston RPS.
Cancer: Your long-standing hatred of Neville Longbottom will lead to an angry mob at your door, who will proceed to stab you with pitchforks and carry you off into the dark night crying, “Kill the beast! Kill the beast!”
Leo: After the staff of fanfiction.net all die in a mass conspiracy, whispering your name with their final breaths, you will inherit the site, which means you will be an object of scorn and hatred for fanbrats who hate you for deleting their plagiarized Hermione/Snape fics that include the phrase “curves in all the right places.”
Virgo: You know that picture of you that Emeraldana took at The Witching Hour? The one where you’re flashing the crowd outside the House of Seven Gables while wearing your Hufflepuff tie? You didn’t want anyone to see that picture, did you?
Libra: When several posters point out to you that having their son christened means that Lily and James must have had some sort of religion, you will be forced to take your angry ex-Anglican angsting elsewhere.
Scorpio: Your idea for a Snape/Harry songfic to Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” will suffer when you learn that the lyrics are not “Hold my clothes and tie me down, sir.”
Sagittarius: Like a centaur, you will become well-versed in the ways of the planets and stars and their mysteries; like a troll, you will only be able to communicate through pointing and grunting.
Capricorn: Your love of Mary Sue fics will suffer when you meet Ariadne Serena, a five-foot-ten redhead with stunning turquoise eyes, wisdom and wit, a talent for fencing, and the ability to make you look really crappy in comparison to Jeremy Hart, who you’ve liked, for, like, ever.
Aquarius: Although it seemed innovative and creative at the time, you will realize that a crossover between HP and Jude the Obscure was probably not that great of a plan.
Pisces: Though the other posters on the thread will realize your intentions of political correctness, it still will not change the fact that Dean Thomas is not African-American.
“Oh, man. And just when I’d finally managed to figure out how Merry Brandybuck is related to Belladonna Took…”
Count_Olaf_Is_Watching, recent LotR fan
“So according to The HP Lexicon, one of them has the same name as a parasite that preys on moths and butterflies, and another is has the same name as a bacterium found in human feces. And people though I was weird when I named my daughter Bubonica.”
Camille007, fandom mum
“If someone named Charlus Potter married one of the Blacks, does that mean that James/Sirius is now Blackcest? Because if it is, I’ll totally ship it.”
Mark Evans, webmaster of Dark Cobwebs: The Internet’s Largest Andromeda/Narcissa Archive
“Harfang Longbottom…does that have anything to do with the giant House of Harfang in Narnia? Has JKR read all of Narnia? She said she didn’t, but then she had an opinion about Susan not getting into Aslan’s country…is Harfang Longbottom supposed to indicate that Neville has giant ancestry? Is that why he makes a muck of things so often? You know what, just wake me up when the whole thing is over.”
Lyra Coppereye, fandom hyperanalyzer since 1999
“Great, some more unnecessary information that has nothing to do with the plot and squelches more canon-compatible fanfic opportunities.”
ButterscotchAddict, still irritated by the revelation that Sirius never had a girlfriend
“You see, this is what I like about the Brokeback Mountain fandom. Just about all you have to remember is that Alma Junior comes after Alma Senior.”
Wilde Oats, little darlin