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I Have A Psychic Connection to JKR’s Mind
By Emmabeth Creevey
I have been in this fandom longer than you. I have read the books many, many more times than you have. I have written twenty Harry Potter essays throughout a five-year period. You have not. I have been to two fan conventions, unlike you. I knew that Snape was the Half-Blood Prince; you thought it was Regulus. I am always right. I have a psychic connection to JKR’s mind.
You think that Harry is going to die. You are wrong. JKR would never kill Harry. It is painfully obvious if you read her interviews and study them carefully, like I have. You cannot understand this. That is because you are not as smart as I am.
You believe, ludicrously, that there is a horcrux in Godric’s Hollow. There is not. It is not possible. I do not want to hear your theories; they are erroneous. There is no way I am wrong. It will never happen. You do not understand JKR like I do. I know everything she thinks. I know everything she will do.
I knew the vanishing cupboard was going to be important. I knew Gideon and Fabian Prewett were Molly Weasley’s brothers. I knew Harry was going to inherit Kreacher. This is because I am right, always.
Snape had an unrequited love for Lily. There is no other way their interactions can be interpreted. If you do not interpret it in the way I say it is meant to be interpreted, you are willfully misreading the clues. There is only one thing they can mean. One. That is what I say it means.
If it ever seems that I am wrong, it is only temporary; it will be revealed that I am in fact correct in the seventh book. There is no question about this. When you read the seventh book, you will be humbled by my unerring logic. You will see that you were wrong. If you are a reasonable person, you will admit this and apologize for your faulty thinking.
I am right. I have a psychic connection to JKR’s mind. I am never wrong. You are wrong. There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.
JKR recently updated the diary section of her website, lambasting a culture that encourages young girls to be abnormally skinny and to value thinness above other qualities. What do you think?
“I didn’t read it. It said ‘For Girls Only, Probably’, so I figured it was something about losing your better qualities when you fall in love, which I know from JKR’s books only happens to girls and not guys.”
Don Sancho de la Mancho, fan artist
“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. How can decades’ worth of celebrity culture possibly be wrong?”
Parvender Lavati, Lockhart fan
“She’s totally just jealous because hot babes like Paris Hilton have more money than she does. What? You think JKR probably has more money than Paris Hilton does? Okay, forget what I said, JKR is right and Paris Hilton is a scrawny skank who isn’t famous for anything but money and a sex tape, anyway.”
Draco Prince, cereal killer
“I didn’t like the insinuation that everyone who cares about celebrity culture wants to be skinny. Look at Slughorn, he can’t shut up about how many famous people he knows and he’s, like, a walrus-man.”
Elementary Penguin, founder of The Muggle Slug Club
“Girls should all just be glad they have food and eat sushi. You know who can’t eat sushi? Sirius. Because he’s dead.”
Viktoriously Penseive, fic coder
“I hope this has an influence on the teenage girls of today. Maybe next JKR can write about how ridiculous it looks to have thong underwear sticking up over the waistband of your jeans.”
Cadbury Creme, college student
Oberona Puck, for months the bane of the moderators at Beyond the Cupboard, stopped trolling long enough to make a really interesting comment about Moaning Myrtle, sources report.
“Okay, look at her first post,” says chief moderator Hermione Literaria, scrolling down her computer screen. “It’s on a thread about why Ron has Charlie’s old wand. She wrote, ‘RNO IS A FRIGGIN T00L & i hope he DIESSSS!’ Right away I figured we had a problem.”
Oberona Puck went on to post an average of three times a week, engaging in trollish behavior involving everything from off-topic posts in all capital letters to personally attacking other posters for their opinions. “Probably the worst of it was when she threatened to kill a poster named Purple Mofungus because Purple Mofungus said that she liked the idea of Lupin helping Harry fight the final battle. She threatened to find Purple Mofungus, kill her, and cut off her head. I was like, ‘You guys, should we call the cops? How serious is this?’”
Puck was banned from the Beyond the Cupboard Forums for a period of two weeks, then allowed to return after receiving a message from the moderators that she was being given one final chance. The next day, the insightful post appeared.
“It was about how Moaning Myrtle probably knows more about the history of the castle and its students than anyone thinks,” says Literaria’s fellow moderator, Nine and Seven-Quarters. “She said that since Myrtle has been a ghost for over fifty years and since we know she’s been in the bathroom, the prefects’ bathroom, and the lake, there’s probably a lot she knows that no one has ever asked her about. I was like, ‘Oh my God, is this honestly the same person?’”
“The most amazing part is that she spelled it all right,” Literaria adds.
The sudden civility and intelligence of Oberona Puck has led to an assortment of theories among the moderators. “I think she has like a split personality,” says Frog de Chocolat, amidst some nods from her fellow moderators. “I mean, really deep psychological problems. One part of her is this troll with the mentality of an immature eight-year-old, and the other part is at least fourteen, maybe. And reads Shakespeare.”
Figgy Pudding thinks the answer is simpler. “This girl started an account, her little brother or someone hacked into it, and posted all the flaming stuff. Then the real Oberona Puck came back just after the ban was lifted, unaware that the account had ever been banned at all, and posted all the things that actually make sense. If whoever’s posting breaks the rules again, though, we will have to permanently ban the account. Which is really unfortunate for whoever the normal one is here.”