Marauder The Slash Nymph, NEW MOM (marauderthesn) wrote in themandrake,
Marauder The Slash Nymph, NEW MOM

Issue One

The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

Batshit Insane Shippers Making the Rest of Us Look Bad

Completely stupid, really idiotic, flat-out obnoxious, extraordinarily wanky batshit insane shippers are making the rest of us look bad, shippers from all reaches of the Harry Potter fandom agreed last Tuesday.

“So Harry/Hermione didn’t happen,” says H/Hr shipper Ambrosia Potter-Granger. “That’s okay. I figured I’d be excited if it did, but I didn’t really think it was going to. I’m more of an AU shipper anyway. But now those pathetic morons with the petition to ‘make’ JKR re-write HBP are making us all look like we’re disrespectful of her rights as an author and have no lives outside of fandom.”

Sirius/Remus shipper CosmicQuest1988 is equally disgruntled. “I’m not going to lie, I’m not happy with Remus/Tonks,” she says. “I didn’t get the feeling that Remus was really that interested in her, and I think Tonks bringing it all up in the infirmary scene was really tacky. I’m just tired of the whole thing. Not only does Remus/Tonks not invalidate Sirius/Remus, but those goddamn whiny puppyshippers with all their ‘OMG JKR IS TEH HOMOPHOBE!!11!1’ are giving me a headache. Can they just get off my side?”

Even those sailing canon ships are not exempt from batshit insane shippers making the rest of us look bad, as the comments of Remus/Tonks shipper Pink Wisteria illustrate. “Okay, thirteen-year-old girls? The multi-colored werewolf cubs thing was a joke. You can’t be born a werewolf anyway, go read Fantastic Beasts. Tonks isn’t going to give birth to a baby werewolf. And for the last time, giving a serious disease to your kids is not cute.

The completely stupid, really idiotic, flat-out obnoxious, extraordinarily wanky batshit insane shippers could not be reached for comment.

What Do You Think?
There are six horcruxes, plus one part of Voldemort’s soul left in his body, and Harry has to destroy all the ones that remain. What do you think is a horcrux?

“Okay, I know everyone’s thought of Harry and Harry’s scar, but has anyone ever thought of Harry’s eyes? Maybe he’ll have to blind himself – which would be appropriate, because Oedipus blinded himself and all Ginny is is a substitute for the mother Harry never had.”
Gargoyle, Harry/Ginny hater

“My vote goes to Trevor, because what else is the point of that toad?”
softredslippers, Neville fan

“Maybe one of them is Aberforth’s goat, and he’ll cry when the goat dies because he’s lost his one true love. Because we all know he did it with the goat. I mean, come on.”
9 3/4, Crookshanks/McGonagall shipper

“I think it’s going to be Mark Evans, because he has the same last name as Harry’s mother, so he has to tie in somewhere.”
Beth Douglas, fan without the Internet (and no relation to Lord Alfred Douglas)

“Sssssssssssssss. Ssssssssssssss, sssssssssssss, sssssss. Ssssss.”
Delphine Badeau, part-time Morfin Gaunt impersonator

“Kreacher! God, please God, please let it be Kreacher.”
Clara Pevensie, “Sirius-isn’t-dead” theorist

Fans Predict How Kloves Will Screw Up This Time

With four days left until the movie of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is released to the general public, anticipation is running high. Fans have purchased tickets in advance and are finishing up the final touches on their costumes. The debates over whether to watch clips and read reviews continue. And, as they have for every other HP movie since Chamber of Secrets, many fans wonder: just how much is screenwriter Steve Kloves going to screw it up this time?

“It’s not so much the huge parts of the plot cut out that I mind,” says Cecily Ravenclaw, a Harry Potter fan since 2000 and an active member of the online fandom since 2002. “They have to do that with any movie based on a really long book. But would it really kill Kloves to make Ron look cool for, I don’t know, five minutes? I still can’t believe that Hermione got Ron’s line in the Shrieking Shack in the PoA movie. Wait, never mind, I can. Kloves is obsessed with Hermione.”

“The last movie should have been called Hermione Granger and How Every Single Character Can’t Shut Up About How Smart She Is,” adds Cecily’s friend, GryffindorsHeir32. “I mean, I like Hermione. There’s nothing wrong with Hermione. But you can’t convince me that the very last thing Sirius says before he takes off with Buckbeak would be to tell Hermione how smart she is. What about Harry? You know, his godson? That kid he broke out of prison to help? The guy the series is named after?

“Speaking of Sirius, I saw PoA with my buddy Brent, who hasn’t read the books, and God, did I have to answer a buttload of questions afterwards. He was like, ‘Wait, how does Lupin know that the thing’s a map? If that rat guy really betrayed Harry’s parents, how come everyone thought the dog guy did it? Yeah, and why the hell are they all animals?’”

Ron/Hermione shipper Ella Rosa shares their concerns. “I don’t even want to know how much Kloves is going to make everyone mock Ron because of those dress robes [in the new film]. Plus, this is the one where Harry and Ron have the big fight, too, and you can just bet that Kloves is going to make Ron look like a hateful git. You know, by the time the plot gets to all the Ron/Hermione stuff, people who haven’t read the books are going to wonder why Hermione wants to be with that loser.”

Kloves is scheduled to hand over the job of writing the Order of the Phoenix screenplay to Michael Goldenberg but will return for Half-Blood Prince.

Ask a Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

My friend e-mailed me this really pretty picture of Lily, and I want to make an icon with it. The thing is, my friend saved it so long ago that she can’t remember who drew it, and even though I posted the picture on my LiveJournal to see if anyone else knew who did, it seems that no one does. In your opinion, would it be acceptable for me to make the icon anyway, and put “made by ?” in the comments? It’s a really great picture that looks exactly like how I imagine Lily in my head.

Wondering Lily Fan

I’m going to have to say that it’s a metaphor for AIDS; it sounds like blood is involved in the transfusion, and although it can be spread, it won’t be if proper precautions are taken. Then again, most of the time nowadays people get AIDS from engaging in unsafe behavior, which Remus obviously didn’t do as a little kid; maybe he’s comparable to the people who got AIDS back before anyone knew what it was. (I’m not saying that anyone deserves to get AIDS.)

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

Even though it happened a while ago, I’m still sort of irritated by JKR implying that all Draco fans just think Tom Felton is hot and are attracted to “bad boy” types, because I’m a Draco fan and that’s not the case with me. I’m tempted to write to JKR, but I have a feeling she’ll just disregard the letter. What do you think? Does she even get to read her fan mail anymore?

Still Frustrated

Okay, I don’t know about lycanthropy in general, but Fenrir Greyback is definitely a metaphor for pedophilia. I mean, “I like kids” doesn’t get much more obvious than that, and he specifically goes after children. Ugh, he just makes my skin crawl! Do you think we’re supposed to infer that he actually is a pedophile? Because my mum just finished the book last week, and that’s what she thinks.

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

What do you think the odds are that Harry’s going to die in the last book? My sister just started a betting pool on this yesterday, and so far most people in it think he’s going to survive. I really have no idea. What’s your opinion? (If I lose, I promise not to pay people in leprechaun gold…)

Truly No Idea

ok, u guys, i don’t know what lycnathropy is a meataphor for, but IT IS NOT BEING GAY!!!1!11! u dont become gay b-cuz some1 bites u!1!!!!

Netspeak is not permitted in the Park.
Morgana-Medusa, for FictionAlley
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic