HP Fandom’s Finest News Source
Since the release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the movie theatre ushers of the world have been working long hours of overtime, trying to clean the drool from the floors so that the next showings on the film can commence.
“I could just kill that guy who plays Cedric Diggory,” says Justin Hansen, 21, who has worked in an Oregon movie theatre for the last two years. “Right now he’s probably sitting in some big house in wherever the English version of Hollywood is, sipping champagne or some crap, while I’m getting sore muscles in my arms from having to mop up drool from these crazy girls. It starts right when he jumps out of that tree, just like clockwork, they start drooling. Don’t even ask me about the Yule Ball. Last show, the drool was up to my knees.”
Angela Armond of Montreal is equally frustrated. “Would someone like to explain to me what is so droolworthy about some escaped convict who tortures people to insanity or whatever he did and then kills his dad? I mean, does that scream ‘devastatingly sexy’ to you? Well, I guess it does to some people, because he flicks his tongue out the side of his mouth and it’s like every girl in the theatre turns into a drainspout gargoyle. And then there’s Krum. God. Okay, so maybe I can understand it for Krum. And the twins. Oh, and when Harry’s in the bathtub.”
The copious amounts of drool have led to widespread panic in theatre owners, as their ushers frantically wade through the often waist-high drool, trying desperately to contain it in buckets so that the theatre will be ready for the next audience. In an extreme case found in Wiltshire, one usher brought his rowboat to the theatre so that he and his co-workers could successfully navigate the aisles.
Several theatres have also reported that tears are adding to the drool and increasing the floods of fluid on the floor. “’Boo hoo hoo, Cedric’s dead!’” says Juan Martinez of Cantonville, Florida, imitating the members of the audience. “’Oh my God, his dad’s crying! Oh, it’s so sad! Wah, wah, wah!’”
Senior usher Sam Bradley, also of Cantonville, recalls earlier days. “Back with that first Harry Potter movie, we had a few problems with puddles. I think it was mostly because of that Oliver [Wood] kid. Still, it wasn’t anything like this. There hasn’t been anything like this since those hobbit movies.”
The information that the initials of the mysterious R.A.B. were changed to R.A.Z. in Holland, where Sirius Black is called Sirius Zwarts, have led to increased speculation that R.A.B. is Regulus Black. What do you think?
“God, is this going to go on for the next two years until we get the seventh book? Because after four months of this, I think that R.A.B. is Really Annoying Bullshit.”
Gred Forge George, “Is Snape evil?” debater
“I think it’ll be Andromeda, back when she was Andromeda Black, and that she goes by her middle name. I bet we find out that during the first war, she was a spy who got Voldemort’s secrets through her special powers and eyes like sparkling amethysts, with help from her pet pink unicorn.”
Ruby-Sophia Evans, author of “Harry Potter and the Mysteriously Beautiful Princess”
“Okay, it’s from someone who seems to have some knowledge of dark magic, if he knew how to destroy a horcrux, had some reason to hate Voldemort, is probably dead, has a first name that starts with an R and a last name that starts with a B…come on, people, this isn’t rocket science.”
Hagrid4990, Occam’s Razor fan
“All right, here’s my theory. Remember when Harry and Hermione went back in time, and there were two Harrys and two Hermiones? Well, that means there were two Time-Turners, so one of the Hermiones turned it over a bunch of times and went back to when Voldemort was first powerful. She came up with the alias Rebecca Anne Barclay, and met a heliopath who told her about horcruxes, so she was able to destroy one. You know what the best part is? I can totally support this using evidence from canon.”
Kristy of Rivendell, “Luna is McGonagall” theorist
“It could be that Amy Benson girl who was with Tom Riddle in the cave. Which would be funny, because I knew this girl named Amy Benson in primary school, and she was from this family who threw a fit over our class reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because it had a witch in it. She had all these warts on her hands, too.”
Lindsey Bevin, mod
“I think most ordinary, everyday, regulus – sorry, regular fans will tell you that there’s some pretty good evidence black – sorry, back in OotP.”
Any fan remotely associated with an XX chromosome runs the risk of being bashed by a large portion of the fandom, sources who wish to remain anonymous report.
“It’s a scary place out there,” says one fan, reporting from her hidden cave in Switzerland, where she has gone to escape from the nasty repercussions of a Ginny debate. “If you like a female character, half the fandom will dredge up all her faults or make some up, and if you don’t like a female character, the other half will say you’re a misogynist. Actually, the first half will do that too, if you like a character they think represents a stereotype. Even if you like a character but have some thoughts about her flaws, someone’s going to claim it represents some buried prejudice deep within your psyche. When I write my original series, it’s going to be set on an all-male planet so maybe the fandom can avoid this sort of thing. That is, if I can ever anonymously sneak the manuscript out of this cave for publication.”
Common accusations towards female characters include those of sexual promiscuity, general weakness, lack of an identity apart from an alliance with a man, Mary Sueness, plain annoyingness, purpose that is nothing but a plot device, presumptuous attitudes, and stupid hair.
“The only reason people hate Bellatrix is because she’s a strong female character,” says Medea, the author of over twenty fics featuring Bellatrix Lestrange as a main character. “They don’t want to see a woman who has power – the power to torture, murder, whine, and speak in creepy baby talk. It threatens their deep-seated fear of women who do anything else besides be devoted wives and mothers. Bellatrix isn’t subservient to a man; she’s subservient to a Dark Lord with one-seventh of a soul, which is a real victory for women’s rights. People don’t want to acknowledge this. They don’t want to hear what Bellatrix’s vagina would say if it could talk.”
“I think Molly Weasley has a few definite flaws,” an anonymous fan comments. “Overall she’s all right – I really like how much she cares for Harry, and it can’t have been easy raising seven children. But she has a tendency to get into things that aren’t any of her business, and constantly comparing the other kids to Percy in the earlier books was a bad idea. Ooooh, I criticized Molly! I have unresolved issues with my own mother and would never, ever have any of the same complaints if she were a man! Throw me into Feminist Azkaban and have your femmentors suck out my soul!”
Rumors of a Feminist Azkaban on the island of Lesbos are currently unconfirmed.
Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,
This is driving me crazy: is the plural of fic "fics," or is it "fic"? Because I've seen both used, and I don't know if they're both right or if there's a wrong one, and I don't want to sound like one of those people who says "sheeps."
"She's a friend," Cedric said, brushing a few strands of sun-kissed hair off his forehead. "I get along really well with Cho - we talk a lot about Quidditch and that sort of thing." He looked into Harry's eyes. "But I don't think about her the same way I think about you."
Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,
An online friend of mine and I have been collaborating on a fic for three months, and we've got maybe fifty readers or so. However, my "friend" has suddenly disappeared from online, and I can't contact her at all. She hasn't answered any e-mails and her LiveJournal is gone. Should I just keep writing the fic myself? Her parts really added a lot to it, but I can't find her, and I've gotten about ten different e-mails begging for a new chapter.
Harry opened his eyes when he heard Cedric slip into the water. The bubbles in the tub were enough to cover both of them. "You don't think Myrtle's around here anywhere, do you?" he asked nervously. He'd forgotten that she liked to come to the bathroom to spy on the prefects.
"I hope not." Cedric leaned back against the side of the tub. "There's something I have to tell you in private."
Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,
My twelve-year-old sister has suddenly gotten really, REALLY fascinated with the Death Eaters. She and her friends all drew the Dark Mark on their arms with Sharpies and she's saving up to buy the replica of Lucius Malfoy's cane (which costs 95 dollars). My parents don't read HP, so they don't get how weird it is that she's plastering Tom Riddle pictures all over her bedroom walls. Why is she so obsessed with a group of people who kill Muggles? Am I making too much of this?
Andromeda, Sister of Narcissa
Cedric's lips were warm and sweet; as they kissed Harry felt something inside him stir that he had never felt before - or maybe he had, in a long-forgotten dream. He stopped thinking about the fact that Cedric was a boy, stopped worrying about snogging in a deserted corridor, forgot that they were mere feet away from Snape's office. He felt the beating of Cedric's heart and sighed.