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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in The Mandrake's LiveJournal:

Friday, August 4th, 2006
8:05 am
Issue Nine
The Mandrake
HP Fandom's Finest News Source

Ultimate "What Do You Think?" Edition

What Do You Think?

Daniel Radcliffe will star in the play Equus playing a mentally disturbed boy, a role that requires him to simulate sexual pleasure while riding a horse. What do you think?

"Is the horse a palomino? If it's not a palomino, I can't believe Dan would consent to get his rocks off with an inferiorly sexy horse breed."
Death For Breakfast, Firenze fan

"Well, of course he's disturbed. Uncle Vernon is his psychiatrist."
Miranda Marner, high school teacher

"If he has to cry and yell, 'He was their friend!', this production is so screwed."
freebuckbeak, Kloves hater

"I've never really liked horses."
Wolverina X, mod

"Forget the part about the horses, he has to get naked with a girl as well, doesn't he? Seeing as I know she'll be a fugly whore who can't act and doesn't deserve to meet Dan and sucks more than a black hole, I've got my first hate letter drafted already."
Kelly Radcliffe, stalker

"My little sister just heard about this. Now she's putting her Harry action figure on her My Little Pony and digging through my mom's sewing stuff for a needle so he can blind it."
Althea Potter, lead guitarist for Peter, Susan, Edgar, and Lucius

What Do You Think?
At a recent reading, JKR said during a question and answer session that Dumbledore is really and truly dead. What do you think?

"Well, seeing as he was weak from getting the fake horcrux, got AK'ed by Snape, fell off the tower, and got buried, that was kinda my guess."
SwordMaster, casual reader

"Yep, I knew it. Somebody cue 'Flight of the Bumblebee'."
Devious Snorkack, beta

"But he can't be. He just can't. Who else will deliver the cliched and melodramatic narration for the Pensieve soap operas?"
Zacharias the Heir, Tom Senior/Merope shipper

"...and when you hear thunder in the distance, don't be afraid, because Dumbledore is playing tenpin bowling with the angels and smiling down on us all. Please forward this e-mail to ten people and pass on the message of hope."
Mary Claire Peterson, Chicken Soup for the Soul fan

"He's probably off making up for lost time, nudge nudge, wink wink, with Nicolas Flamel. Because they were partners. Canon, people, read the Chocolate Frog card."
EwokGirl, captain of the HMS Golden Years, Golden Love

"But is Broderick Bode really dead? That's the question on everyone's minds."
Radish Earrings, conspiracy theorist

What Do You Think?
In the last few months, pictures of Emma Watson with an empty or partially empty beer bottle in her hand have been circulating the Internet. What do you think?

"They're fake. I have it on good authority that Emma drinks Guiness, not Corona."
Carter, Internet gossip columnist

"See, this is what happens when they don't make the actors pay attention to the books. If Emma had remembered GoF, she would have learned from the example of Winky and not been a drunken moron."
Nymph of the Spring, canon purist

"Eh, she's doing pretty good, for a child star. I'm not going to worry until she gets butterfly tattoos and flashes David Letterman."
Hungarian Horntail, fic writer

"Okay, what is the big deal? So Emma Watson drinks beer. Whatever. My friend Lauren started drinking beer when she was twelve, and she's totally fine, if you don't count the Porshe wrapped around the telephone pole."
glitterangel735, fangirl

"I'm going to send her a bezoar in case she accidentally drinks some poisoned mead. And because I'd love to shove a stone from the stomach of a goat down her throat."
Evanesco, disgruntled fan

"Yet another reason to bring back After-School Specials."
Lucius Barbie, mod
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
3:48 pm
Issue Eight
The Mandrake
HP Fandom's Finest News Source

Entire Fandom Leaves

The entire fandom has finally come to an inevitable conclusion that can no longer be ignored. “I’m going to miss this place,” says Romilda Wimsey, looking one last time at Mugglenet before slowly turning off her computer. Miles away in New Zealand, Paul K. is having similar thoughts of mourning. A frequent poster on FictionAlley Park, he will no longer be able to debate and discuss aspects of the Harry Potter series, as he has done nearly every day for the last year and a half. “I made lots of friends here,” he says. “But it’s true, what Tarquina says, I have to go. If I don’t like part of the books, I should just leave the fandom.”

Thousands of fans have realized the truth in the words of Tarquina, written in her online journal last Saturday. “Oh my God, I am so sick of this,” she typed, minutes before posting the entry that would change the lives of fans forever. “If people are going to complain about the shipping, or the plot, or Snape killing Dumbledore, you know what? They should just leave the fandom. Why are they still here? They don’t appreciate Jo’s work, and they aren’t true fans.”

“I really do love these books,” reflects Elizabeth S. Norrington, a fan of the series since 2003. “I love the characters, I love the entire world of the series. But I hated Ron/Hermione, I didn’t like the way it was written. I’m not responding the way J. K. Rowling wants me to respond, and out of respect for her I should stop writing about my inferior opinions. Who am I to go against the author? I was supposed to like Ron/Hermione, and I didn’t. J. K., if you read this, I’m really sorry.”

A mere five hours ago, The Last Horcrux would have celebrated Norrington’s departure. That was before she realized that she too was going against Rowling’s wishes. “I loved all the shipping in HBP,” she says. “So I thought Tarquina’s post didn’t apply to me. But then I remembered that I hate Dobby. I do, I think he’s an annoying little weirdo. I just spent the last few hours trying to convince myself to like him, but I can’t do it. And I should like him, because he helps Harry. But I don’t.”

Even Tarquina herself is leaving the fandom; forty-two minutes after posting her journal entry, she realized that her secret liking for Lucius Malfoy put her into the category of dissenter as well. She has since deleted all her fanfiction, sold her copies of the books, and burned her Hufflepuff t-shirt.

With millions of fans, only a fraction of who discuss the books on the Internet, the Harry Potter series is sure to continue to sell well despite the fandom exodus. Still, it has publishers worried; a Bloomsbury insider reports that the executives of the company called an emergency meeting to discuss the impact. “We just put out the sixth book in paperback, so this is coming at a bad time,” she says.

“Things just won’t be the same,” Romilda Wimsey says. “I guess I’ll have to go back to LotR now. Tolkien’s dead and I won’t be able to hurt and insult him the way I hurt and insulted Rowling.”

Ask An HP Queer Theorist

Dear HP Queer Theorist,

One of my fandom friends and I have “known” each other online since 2004, and as we live only forty-five miles from each other, we want to meet. However, my parents think that meeting someone you met on the Internet is a stupid and dangerous idea. I told them that they could come with me to meet my friend if they wanted to, but they still won’t let me go. Is there anything I can say or do to convince them that I can meet someone from the Internet and not get murdered?

I Wanna Meet Annie

The closet, in both its physical and metaphorical forms, plays a part in the series from the second chapter of the first book. Not only do the Dursleys force Harry to sleep in the cupboard, or closet, under the stairs, but they live in fear that his magical abilities – his difference from the rest of the family – will be discovered. When Harry enters the wizarding world, he meets people like himself and finds a new culture and identity.

Dear HP Queer Theorist,

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months, but lately I’ve realized that I’d rather be talking about HP on the Internet than spend time with him. I didn’t feel like that for the first few months of our relationship, but I wasn’t as into the fandom then either. How can I figure out if this has to do with him or if I’m getting an Internet addiction? He just doesn’t interest me that much anymore.

Hooked On Harry

If we accept magic as a metaphor for homosexuality, Hermione’s parents become the parents supportive of their gay daughter. Rather than deny or suppress her “otherness”, they accept it and make a few ventures into the wizarding world. However, Hermione’s parents will never fully be a part of this aspect of her life. When Hermione tells Harry in OotP that being a prefect is something that her parents can understand, the difference between her life and the lives of her parents is highlighted.

Dear HP Queer Theorist,

Someone on my friends list has recently gotten really into another fandom, and talks about it a lot on her journal. I’m not interested in this fandom, and I friended her because of her HP-related posts. Is it okay if I defriend her? It’s nothing against her personally, but her new fandom doesn’t interest me at all and she’s only written about HP once in her last twenty entries.

Ettiquettely Unaware

The very nature of the wizarding world easily lends itself to queer comparisons. It is a world hidden from outsiders, though some outsiders are aware of it due to their connections with its members. The use of The Leaky Cauldron as the entrance to Diagon Alley is reminiscent of the gay bar scene and the way that it often initiates queer youth into the culture.
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
4:05 pm
Issue Seven
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

I Have A Psychic Connection to JKR’s Mind

By Emmabeth Creevey

I have been in this fandom longer than you. I have read the books many, many more times than you have. I have written twenty Harry Potter essays throughout a five-year period. You have not. I have been to two fan conventions, unlike you. I knew that Snape was the Half-Blood Prince; you thought it was Regulus. I am always right. I have a psychic connection to JKR’s mind.

You think that Harry is going to die. You are wrong. JKR would never kill Harry. It is painfully obvious if you read her interviews and study them carefully, like I have. You cannot understand this. That is because you are not as smart as I am.

You believe, ludicrously, that there is a horcrux in Godric’s Hollow. There is not. It is not possible. I do not want to hear your theories; they are erroneous. There is no way I am wrong. It will never happen. You do not understand JKR like I do. I know everything she thinks. I know everything she will do.

I knew the vanishing cupboard was going to be important. I knew Gideon and Fabian Prewett were Molly Weasley’s brothers. I knew Harry was going to inherit Kreacher. This is because I am right, always.

Snape had an unrequited love for Lily. There is no other way their interactions can be interpreted. If you do not interpret it in the way I say it is meant to be interpreted, you are willfully misreading the clues. There is only one thing they can mean. One. That is what I say it means.

If it ever seems that I am wrong, it is only temporary; it will be revealed that I am in fact correct in the seventh book. There is no question about this. When you read the seventh book, you will be humbled by my unerring logic. You will see that you were wrong. If you are a reasonable person, you will admit this and apologize for your faulty thinking.

I am right. I have a psychic connection to JKR’s mind. I am never wrong. You are wrong. There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.

What Do You Think?
JKR recently updated the diary section of her website, lambasting a culture that encourages young girls to be abnormally skinny and to value thinness above other qualities. What do you think?

“I didn’t read it. It said ‘For Girls Only, Probably’, so I figured it was something about losing your better qualities when you fall in love, which I know from JKR’s books only happens to girls and not guys.”
Don Sancho de la Mancho, fan artist

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. How can decades’ worth of celebrity culture possibly be wrong?”
Parvender Lavati, Lockhart fan

“She’s totally just jealous because hot babes like Paris Hilton have more money than she does. What? You think JKR probably has more money than Paris Hilton does? Okay, forget what I said, JKR is right and Paris Hilton is a scrawny skank who isn’t famous for anything but money and a sex tape, anyway.”
Draco Prince, cereal killer

“I didn’t like the insinuation that everyone who cares about celebrity culture wants to be skinny. Look at Slughorn, he can’t shut up about how many famous people he knows and he’s, like, a walrus-man.”
Elementary Penguin, founder of The Muggle Slug Club

“Girls should all just be glad they have food and eat sushi. You know who can’t eat sushi? Sirius. Because he’s dead.”
Viktoriously Penseive, fic coder

“I hope this has an influence on the teenage girls of today. Maybe next JKR can write about how ridiculous it looks to have thong underwear sticking up over the waistband of your jeans.”
Cadbury Creme, college student

Troll Stops Being Obnoxious Long Enough To Make Good Point

Oberona Puck, for months the bane of the moderators at Beyond the Cupboard, stopped trolling long enough to make a really interesting comment about Moaning Myrtle, sources report.

“Okay, look at her first post,” says chief moderator Hermione Literaria, scrolling down her computer screen. “It’s on a thread about why Ron has Charlie’s old wand. She wrote, ‘RNO IS A FRIGGIN T00L & i hope he DIESSSS!’ Right away I figured we had a problem.”

Oberona Puck went on to post an average of three times a week, engaging in trollish behavior involving everything from off-topic posts in all capital letters to personally attacking other posters for their opinions. “Probably the worst of it was when she threatened to kill a poster named Purple Mofungus because Purple Mofungus said that she liked the idea of Lupin helping Harry fight the final battle. She threatened to find Purple Mofungus, kill her, and cut off her head. I was like, ‘You guys, should we call the cops? How serious is this?’”

Puck was banned from the Beyond the Cupboard Forums for a period of two weeks, then allowed to return after receiving a message from the moderators that she was being given one final chance. The next day, the insightful post appeared.

“It was about how Moaning Myrtle probably knows more about the history of the castle and its students than anyone thinks,” says Literaria’s fellow moderator, Nine and Seven-Quarters. “She said that since Myrtle has been a ghost for over fifty years and since we know she’s been in the bathroom, the prefects’ bathroom, and the lake, there’s probably a lot she knows that no one has ever asked her about. I was like, ‘Oh my God, is this honestly the same person?’”

“The most amazing part is that she spelled it all right,” Literaria adds.

The sudden civility and intelligence of Oberona Puck has led to an assortment of theories among the moderators. “I think she has like a split personality,” says Frog de Chocolat, amidst some nods from her fellow moderators. “I mean, really deep psychological problems. One part of her is this troll with the mentality of an immature eight-year-old, and the other part is at least fourteen, maybe. And reads Shakespeare.”

Figgy Pudding thinks the answer is simpler. “This girl started an account, her little brother or someone hacked into it, and posted all the flaming stuff. Then the real Oberona Puck came back just after the ban was lifted, unaware that the account had ever been banned at all, and posted all the things that actually make sense. If whoever’s posting breaks the rules again, though, we will have to permanently ban the account. Which is really unfortunate for whoever the normal one is here.”
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
2:06 pm
Issue Six
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

Classic Fic Is Piece of Crap

Since she first came to the fandom in 2002, there has been one fic that FangedServant has heard mentioned over and over: “Harry Potter and the Endless Road”.

“I think it was the first fic someone ever recced to me,” she says, typing her review as she speaks. “I didn’t get around to reading it, though, because it doesn’t have any Ron/Draco, and I got into that pairing within my first week.”

After years of seeing the fic appear on discussions about the history of fandom and on countless rec lists, FangedServant decided it might come in handy for an essay she was writing about the history of fanon clichés. “I thought someone mentioned that it was one of the first Redeemed!Draco fics, and my essay has a pretty big section on those. Still, I didn’t really hold that against the fic, because it’s from right after PoA was written, and Redeemed!Draco probably wasn’t so old and overused then. Plus, it’s not one of those clichés that’s automatically bad.”

The forty-six chapter fic took her five days to finish; reading a sample of the reviews took her two more. And now, after years of second-hand knowledge, FangedServant has reached her own conclusion about Bottled Love’s epic saga: “It’s stupid, urple, pointless, OOC crap.

“Oh my God, how did this thing ever become a classic? If she’d written it a couple of years after she did, it might have a cult following, maybe, but I bet it probably would have just gotten lost in the back pages of some old archive that last updated pre-OotP. Harry is so utterly unrecognizable in this thing; he suddenly becomes friends with all the Slytherins and he’s got, of course, ‘Quidditch-toned muscles’. There’s this annoying sideplot with Hermione’s little sister Samantha, and there’s a pathetically dumb scene with everyone playing Truth-Or-Dare. Snape ends up with some Mary Sue Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Oh, and everybody’s eyes are ‘orbs’ all the time.”

Upon discussing the fic with her online friends, FangedServant discovered that in fact “Harry Potter and the Endless Road” was more derided than she had previously thought. “God, do I hate that drivel,” says the_golden_apples, whom FangedServant met on a message board. “It’s like no one wants to say anything bad about it because it was one of the first big fics. You’d think that after we’ve seen so much better over the years, this thing would just fade into obscurity, but no, I just saw someone rec it to a newbie last week.”

Bottled Love, who wrote “Harry Potter and the Endless Road” as a twenty-two-year-old secretary in Kentucky, left the fandom in 2003 and could not be reached for comment.

Whiny Fanbrat So Could Have Played Luna

Charlotte Overford, known online as xOrli’sGirl4Everx, so could have played Luna, and looks so much more like her than Evanna Lynch, fanbrat sources report.

“It’s definitely not fair,” says friend Claire Williams, 15, a cofounder of the site IHateEvannaL.com. “You can tell that Evanna bleaches her hair, and Charlotte’s hair looks just like Luna’s is described in the books. She was going to go to the auditions, too, but her mum wouldn’t drive her and her older brother’s car had to go in for repairs. If they’d seen Charlotte act, I know she would’ve gotten the part. She was Helena when our school put on A Midsummer Night’s Dream last year.”

Charlotte agrees with her friend’s assessment of the situation. “I might not even see the film. Every time Evanna gets something wrong – and she will - I’ll cringe. It’s like God’s against me or something, I swear. And since when is Luna Irish? It never says that Luna is Irish.”

“I wish the bloody car had been working,” says her brother Paul Overford, 21. “Not because I think Charlotte would have come anywhere close to getting the part, but because then she’d have to accept that she got rejected flat out and maybe after a while she’d shut up. I drove home from university last weekend to grab a few things I’d left in my room, and Charlotte was having a sleepover. I walked by her room and all her friends are huddled on the floor, rocking her back and forth and whispering, ‘It’s all right, it’s all right.’ Good God. If she’s still like this at Easter, I’ll go home with my mate Roger instead.”

“And I had whole parts of the book memorized, too,” adds Charlotte, accepting another tissue from Claire. “If the script had been like the book, I could have done it from memory. There’s no way they wouldn’t have given it to me.”

Ask a Will-Gary-Oldman-Be-In-OotP Discussion

Dear Will-Gary-Oldman-Be-In-OotP Discussion,

I just found out that one of my friends (and shipmates, for Harry/Ginny) belongs to a site for twincest shippers. I really hate the idea of twincest, but the part that really scares me is that my friend herself is a twin. Now I can’t look at her and her sister without wondering if they have an incestuous relationship! She’s been really nice to me in the past, and given me a lot of help, so I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Please help me, I have no idea what to do.

Unsure of Reality

You guys, he’s totally going to be in it. His agents or whoever are just doing this so that the studio will pay him more money. It sounds like he liked being in PoA, so I don’t think there’s really anything to worry about. Everybody relax, okay?

Dear Will-Gary-Oldman-Be-In-OotP Discussion,

Are the official Ravenclaw colors blue and bronze, or blue and silver? I could swear that they’re blue and bronze, but I ran across some pictures of Ravenclaw scarves online, and they were blue and silver, like in the films. Did the film people just make a mistake? I’m a Ravenclaw and I want a scarf that corresponds with canon.

Rowena’s Girl

I am thinking that Gary oldman will be in OoP film. The fans will all want him back and he will be in it. Of this I am very sure. (Please excuse mistakes, English is not my first language.

Dear Will-Gary-Oldman-Be-In-OotP Discussion,

At what age do you think children should start reading HP? My son is eight years old, and he wants to read the books like his older brothers. He has a very high reading level for his age, but I know that once he starts the series he’ll want to go right through, and I think he’s at the age where a lot of it might scare him. He’s a very sensitive child. And if I decide he can’t read them yet, what should I tell him?

Questioning Mother

Oh my God, why would you even WANT Gary Oldman back? He didn’t have any of the nuances of Sirius’s character at all, and all we got was CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY. He doesn’t even look like him that much, so what are you people complaining about? Maybe if he’s not in it they’ll get someone better.

What Do You Think?
It’s months after the release of HBP, and debate about love potions is still going strong, particularly over whether Amortentia is a potential rape drug and whether any of the new canon romances can be attributed to it. What do you think?

“If it’s a drug, it can’t be any worse than Robert Pattinson and his seedy opium den.”
Cirdec, fanboy

“This might just be what brings the horror ship of Lily/James down. James could never change. All those jerks in high school never changed. They’re off now, in their rich fancy houses, with their trophy wives, and they don’t care that – what? Thirty-two last month.”
goreycat, MWPP hater

“I think I was on a love potion once. It was called testosterone.”
Doug Yegrofski, feeling the chest monster

“I don’t think you can blame Remus/Tonks on a love potion. I think you can blame it on the Death Eaters finding JKR, putting her under the Imperius Curse, and forcing her to write out-of-character drivel.”
Jeeves1988, Bill/Tonks shipper

“Yes, I think it’s a rape drug, which means that Voldemort is the product of his mother raping his father. It’s amazing: we have actual canon rape, and I can’t find a fic about it. Just stuff about Lucius and dark revels.”
Mock Turtle, author of “Spell of Submission”

“JKR would never put a rape drug in a children’s book! Children’s books should have things appropriate for children, like self-mutilation, torture, inbreeding, murder, and well-oiled chains for children who misbehave.”
Theresa_xoxoxo, education major
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
9:26 am
Issue Five
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

News In Brief

He Who Must Not Be Named Finds Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

An anonymous author has written an unspecified fic in which He Who Must Not Be Named finds the love that dare not speak its name, which is receiving untold praise and admiration from unidentified fans.

“My favorite part can’t be told,” says one nameless reader, speaking from his unknown place of origin. “He Who Must Not Be Named finds indescribable bliss with an uncertain person whose identity is not available to the public.”

The anonymous author refuses to speak about her fic, but has disclosed plans for a sequel, which will be a crossover between Harry Potter and The Ten Commandments, and involves He Who Must Not Be Named encountering the God of the Hebrews, He Who Has No Name.

Mother Unaware She’s Reviewing Teenage Daughter’s Smut Fic

Emily Lichstein, 48, reviewed the fic “Chocolate Bliss” last Monday, unaware as she wrote her glowing review that the fic was written by her daughter Michelle Adams, 17, under the name EriseddesirE.

“The part where she looks up and he has her chocolate lying across his tongue is sooo hot,” Lichstein wrote as Michelle finished her trigonometry homework in the kitchen, referring to the scene in which Hermione Granger, unable to find a piece of chocolate she bought at Honeydukes, realizes that Ron Weasley has it in his mouth. “You really let the tension build in this one, and UST is one of the things I love to see in a fic. I hope you keep writing, because I’d really love to see more from you.” Lichstein then turned off the computer and went to the living room, where she yelled at Michelle for leaving her dirty socks on the floor.

Your Horoscope

By Madame Zeldanska, Certified Astronomlogonomer

Aries: You always wanted to be a BNF, but you had sort of hoped it would be for something other than being “the one who threw up on Rupert Grint.”

Taurus: After a long debate that will appear on Fandom Wank four different times in four different forms, the fandom will generally agree that you were justified in your comparison of author Floral Fauna Sprite to “Jane Austen, if Jane Austen was translated by Yoda on a day when the Force ebbed low.”

Gemini: You will almost be fired from work for reading the fourteenth chapter of your favorite Luna fic when you were supposed to be typing a memo, but will save your job by discovering your boss’s Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston RPS.

Cancer: Your long-standing hatred of Neville Longbottom will lead to an angry mob at your door, who will proceed to stab you with pitchforks and carry you off into the dark night crying, “Kill the beast! Kill the beast!”

Leo: After the staff of fanfiction.net all die in a mass conspiracy, whispering your name with their final breaths, you will inherit the site, which means you will be an object of scorn and hatred for fanbrats who hate you for deleting their plagiarized Hermione/Snape fics that include the phrase “curves in all the right places.”

Virgo: You know that picture of you that Emeraldana took at The Witching Hour? The one where you’re flashing the crowd outside the House of Seven Gables while wearing your Hufflepuff tie? You didn’t want anyone to see that picture, did you?

Libra: When several posters point out to you that having their son christened means that Lily and James must have had some sort of religion, you will be forced to take your angry ex-Anglican angsting elsewhere.

Scorpio: Your idea for a Snape/Harry songfic to Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” will suffer when you learn that the lyrics are not “Hold my clothes and tie me down, sir.”

Sagittarius: Like a centaur, you will become well-versed in the ways of the planets and stars and their mysteries; like a troll, you will only be able to communicate through pointing and grunting.

Capricorn: Your love of Mary Sue fics will suffer when you meet Ariadne Serena, a five-foot-ten redhead with stunning turquoise eyes, wisdom and wit, a talent for fencing, and the ability to make you look really crappy in comparison to Jeremy Hart, who you’ve liked, for, like, ever.

Aquarius: Although it seemed innovative and creative at the time, you will realize that a crossover between HP and Jude the Obscure was probably not that great of a plan.

Pisces: Though the other posters on the thread will realize your intentions of political correctness, it still will not change the fact that Dean Thomas is not African-American.

What Do You Think?

Recently released information from JKR has provided more of the Black family tree, filling in gaps many fans wondered about and illustrating how the Blacks are related to various other pureblood families. What do you think?

“Oh, man. And just when I’d finally managed to figure out how Merry Brandybuck is related to Belladonna Took…”
Count_Olaf_Is_Watching, recent LotR fan

“So according to The HP Lexicon, one of them has the same name as a parasite that preys on moths and butterflies, and another is has the same name as a bacterium found in human feces. And people though I was weird when I named my daughter Bubonica.”
Camille007, fandom mum

“If someone named Charlus Potter married one of the Blacks, does that mean that James/Sirius is now Blackcest? Because if it is, I’ll totally ship it.”
Mark Evans, webmaster of Dark Cobwebs: The Internet’s Largest Andromeda/Narcissa Archive

“Harfang Longbottom…does that have anything to do with the giant House of Harfang in Narnia? Has JKR read all of Narnia? She said she didn’t, but then she had an opinion about Susan not getting into Aslan’s country…is Harfang Longbottom supposed to indicate that Neville has giant ancestry? Is that why he makes a muck of things so often? You know what, just wake me up when the whole thing is over.”
Lyra Coppereye, fandom hyperanalyzer since 1999

“Great, some more unnecessary information that has nothing to do with the plot and squelches more canon-compatible fanfic opportunities.”
ButterscotchAddict, still irritated by the revelation that Sirius never had a girlfriend

“You see, this is what I like about the Brokeback Mountain fandom. Just about all you have to remember is that Alma Junior comes after Alma Senior.”
Wilde Oats, little darlin
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
9:51 am
Issue Four
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

Imelda Staunton Still Hasn’t Received Secret Clubhouse Password

Despite publicly confirming that she is signed on to play the role of Professor Dolores Umbridge, Imelda Staunton has not yet been given the secret password to the Adult HP Actors’ Super-Secret Clubhouse, her agent told reporters in a press conference yesterday.

“Imelda is really excited about playing Umbridge, and looks forward to working with her new colleagues,” reads an official statement from Staunton’s representatives. “However, she feels a little hurt that Clubhouse President Maggie Smith has yet to give her the secret password. She thought that she and Maggie were going to totally be friends on the set, but this thing about the password is sending mixed signals. Now she’s not sure if Maggie really likes her or not.”

Situated in an undisclosed location since the casting for Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone began, the Clubhouse was originally founded by Richard Harris, Smith, Alan Rickman, and Warwick Davis, and has gained new members as new adult characters have come into the Harry Potter films. It is currently considered the most totally cool clubhouse for prestigious actors in the film industry, an honor formerly held by the Merchant Ivory Super-Secret Clubhouse in the late 1980s to the mid 1990s.

“Okay, it’s really, really nothing personal against Imelda,” says Smith, speaking over the Clubhouse’s untraceable telephone line. “Imelda seems really cool, so it’s not her. I’d love to give Imelda the password, but according to the rules that Alan [Rickman] and I wrote in the Clubhouse Book, no one gets the password until the studio confirms their role. I mean, I can’t break the rules that I made myself, right?”

The Clubhouse, Smith reveals, has had other problems recently concerning its membership. “So, a while back David [Thewlis] passed me this note and it was all like, ‘You should let Anna [Friel] in the Clubhouse, because she wants to play Tonks.’ I mean, how dumb is that? I’m like, ‘David, I know she’s your girlfriend, but I can’t let her in the Clubhouse if she doesn’t meet the requirements. It’s not just me, this is Alan and all the original members too.’ So he passes me another note, which is like, ‘The studio knows she wants to play Tonks, so she’s going to be officially in any day now.’”

Warner Brothers later confirmed that Friel was not being considered for the role. “See? I would have totally lost my credibility as president,” Smith says. “I thought all that stuff was clear to David when he joined, but I guess not. I’m kind of glad that Anna can’t join the clubhouse, because Gary [Oldman] printed out this really funny Sirius/Remus photo manip and put it on the wall next to the billiards table, and I so know that Anna would have wanted us to take that down. Besides, what if they broke up? There’s already so much drama with Emma [Thompson] and Kenneth [Branaugh, who are divorced], and I really do not need any more stress. I read on the Internet that a lot of fans think Helena Bonham Carter would be a good Bellatrix, and I’m like, ‘That is so not what I need right now.’ Besides all the Kenneth and Emma stuff, Helena used to be the president of the Merchant Ivory Clubhouse and now she’s the president of the Tim Burton Clubhouse, so she’d probably ignore all the rules and be like, ‘I’m above this, I’m a president too.’ It’s okay if some members belong to other clubhouses – for example, Dawn French has been hanging out at the Narnia Clubhouse a lot lately – but another president? No way. Your loyalty has to belong to one club above all others, in case we decide to raid another club’s sleepover and steal their underwear.”

Smith took a moment to dismiss a rumor that has been making its rounds on the clubhouse circuit for over a year. “Everyone keeps saying that I gave the Clubhouse password to Michael Gambon back when we were filming Gosford Park, and I’d just like to say once and for all that it’s not true. He didn’t even ask me for it, and since he didn’t ever go in the Clubhouse until after he was cast as Dumbledore, he’s not the one who spilled the Coke on the couch. I know it was you, Fiona. It’s okay, we got the stain out, and I won’t get upset, just admit it was you so everyone will stop blaming Michael, okay?”

Asshole Reviewer Obviously Didn’t Check Publication Date

Asshole SeventhProphecy, who obviously didn’t check the publication date of the fic “Harry Potter and the Forgotten Apothecary”, left a review full of snarky and completely pointless “criticisms”, reports the fic’s author, Circe Flamel.

“Here, look at this,” Flamel said, pointing to the first paragraph of the long and utterly ignorant review. “He/she/it wrote, ‘You obviously don’t know canon, because Narcissa’s maiden name is Black, not McKinnon.’ Well no shit, Sherlock, but I wrote this in 2002, and seeing as OotP hadn’t been released yet, Narcissa’s family was up for grabs. He even has the arrogance to cite the page number in OotP where it says that Narcissa is Sirius’s cousin. The page numbers, actually, because this idiot apparently has the time to look it up in both the British and American editions. Is that supposed to make me bow before his expertise?”

The review goes on to say that Arabella Figg is a Squib and not a witch, that Ginny’s full name is Ginevra and not Virginia, and that if Flamel was “aware of Rowling’s website, [she] would know that Sirius’s eyes are gray.”

“Guess what, asshole, I was probably aware of the website before you were,” snapped Flamel. “I just looked at his profile – and yes, it’s a he – and he says that he first read Harry Potter in December of 2004. Sirius’s eyes are described as pale, which meant ‘blue’ to the vast majority of the fandom. Does this guy have a hobby? Any friends? The ability to read the words ‘September 2002-January 2003’?”

The worst part of the review, according to Flamel, is SeventhProphecy’s remarks about her portrayal of James Potter. “He wrote, ‘Your characterization of James is far too saintly and utterly one-sided.’ Well, that’s how James was before OotP. What was I supposed to do, make him a drug addict? Rape canon? Besides, James is only in one chapter.”

Flamel added that she doesn’t know where SeventhProphecy gets off on pointing out the things he sees as her faults, seeing as he’s the author of a Veela!Draco epic.

HP Slashers Glad Brokeback Mountain Won Critics’ Choice Awards

After speculating over whether Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire would win any of the three Critics’ Choice Awards it was nominated for (Best Family Film, Best Young Actor, and Best Young Actress), the news broke last night moments after the awards show was finished: HP slashers are really, really excited that Brokeback Mountain won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Supporting Actress.

“I was really hoping for Best Picture, but I didn’t think it’d really get it!” posted Harry/Draco shipper Arabellatrix on her LiveJournal, seven and a half minutes after the end of the Critics’ Choice Awards. “Can you believe they tried to cut off Ang [Lee]’s acceptance speech when he got Best Director? Oh, I just hope it wins all the same stuff at the Oscars!” Arabellatrix, who is glad to have a canon gay pairing in one of her fandoms for a change, made no mention of the failure of Goblet of Fire to win any awards.

Other slashers are equally thrilled. “I wish they’d shown more footage,” says Stevenne, a Snape/Harry shipper who is rejoicing over images of male characters kissing that are not fan art or photo manips, “but hey, what am I complaining about? What? Narnia beat Harry Potter for Best Family Film? Oh, yeah. I forgot Harry Potter was nominated, actually. When I think of the GoF movie, I think of Snape and Harry alone in that cupboard before I think of anything family-related.”

“Although they appreciate the Harry Potter series for many things other than romance of any kind,” says Dr. Martin Ellerby of the International Institute for Slash Research, “HP slashers grow tired of feeling as though they have to defend their opinions regarding which characters would make a good romantic couple. With Brokeback Mountain, the main gay relationship is not only clear and canon, it’s the focus of the story, which comes as a welcome relief to a lot of slashers. They don’t want to fix it, they’re happy to stand it, and they’re glad they don’t know how to quit it.”
Friday, December 16th, 2005
8:01 pm
Issue Three
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

I Need To Figure Out What All This “Fan Fiction” Means

by Andrew Simmons

My daughter Sarah is in the eleventh grade now. These are tough years for a parent – the teenage years are when a lot of kids experiment with drinking, drugs, and pre-marital sex. You’ve got to be careful, even if you’ve always tried to raise them right. It’s hard to monitor your kid’s behavior at a time when they’re becoming more independent, but it’s important.

The thing is, I don’t always have a lot of resources to tell me about the things going on in Sarah’s life – and don’t think Sarah’s going to tell me herself! If Sarah was, say, hanging out with the wrong crowd, I’m sure that the pastor at our church or a good psychologist would be able to give Tina and me some advice about how to help her. If Sarah had an eating disorder, I could start researching by reading that article about anorexia that was on the cover of TIME a couple of weeks ago. If she was skipping school, I could talk to my cousin Larry – his daughter Kaity had some problems with that back when she was in high school, and Larry and his wife managed to get it all sorted out in the end.

Lucky for me, Sarah isn’t doing any of those things, as far as I know. The one thing Sarah does do that I wonder about is that she spends a lot of time on the computer in her room, the one that Tina and I got for her so that she could research for all her school papers. We put filters on it so that she wouldn’t run across any of those porn sites by accident, but lately I noticed that Sarah was putting off normal, everyday things like doing her homework and getting ready to go to volleyball practice because she was finishing up something on the computer. I’m not the sort of parent who likes to snoop around in their kid’s stuff, but after I asked a few casual questions about the computer and got no satisfactory answers, I got concerned and decided to look on Sarah’s computer, just to satisfy my own peace of mind.

Well, it’s not satisfied yet, because apparently Sarah is reading something called “Harry Potter fan fiction”, and I’ll be darned if I know what the whole story behind that is. These stories aren’t the Harry Potter books, they’re stories that kids write on their own about Harry Potter. At least, I think it’s kids – I had to get off the computer when Tina and Sarah came back from Sarah’s orthodontist appointment, so I only had time to look at a few sites and write down some words I didn’t recognize.

One of them is “ship” – you’d think we’d all know what a ship means, but as far as I could tell, it wasn’t anything about sailing or the ocean, because if I remember from the movies Draco and Hermione are characters in the books, not ships. Maybe one of these “fan fictions” is about the two of them on a ship together. There was some sort of ship in the last Harry Potter movie, wasn’t there? I had to take my son Mark and his friends to see it for Mark's tenth birthday party, and I’ve been so busy at the office lately that I fell asleep somewhere in the middle.

The next word on my list is “slash”, and this one really worries me. Tina and I don’t like violence at all – we didn’t let Mark see the Lord of the Rings movies, even though all his friends got to, because we don’t believe that kids should be exposed to a lot of violence when they’re young. I don’t want Sarah reading about people getting all slashed up on the Internet. I know she’s older now, but it’s not healthy to spend a lot of time dwelling on that sort of thing. With all the hormones kids have running through their bloodstreams, she could start having some abnormal thoughts.

One thing really baffled me, so I wrote down the entire sentence. It was the summary for one of these fan fictions, and it said, “PWP SS/DM, set during HBP, possible dub-con. NWS, please R&R.” Between the office and this, I’m not going to get any sleep this week. I think I’ve figured out that “HBP” is something about the sixth book, which I’m pretty sure was called Half-Blood Prince. (That’s another thing, is there a lot of blood in these Harry Potter books?) But what about the rest of it? Where am I supposed to find out what “dub-con” means? Is that like the dubbing they do on those Japanese cartoons Mark likes?

I wish TIME had done an article on this sort of thing, so I’d know where to turn. I wonder if Pastor Mike knows what “PWP SS/DM” means.

The Mandrake Presents: Fandom Etiquette

The HP fandom is its own little world at times, and it can be hard to know how to behave when faced with situations that don’t come up in real life. Here are some tips:

• If someone reviews your fic and says that it was “a stupid peice of carp that SUXXX!!1!”, write back to them and say that they are obviously a mentally handicapped woman of ill repute who performs unspeakable sexual acts with apes.
• It’s perfectly all right to post a piece of fan art by someone else and say that you drew it. If imitation is the highest form of flattery, impersonation is even higher.
• When faced with conflicts, believe everything said by every poster on Fandom Wank. They are an excellent source of wisdom, and are far beyond the petty feuds that plague the rest of the mortal world.
• Moderators don’t really mean if when they tell you to please use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation; they’re just testing you to see if you, like Harry, have the courage to defy arbitrary rules that stand in the way of the really important things.
• Many people in today’s world are in need of psychiatric help and lack the finances to obtain any. It is an act of selfless charity to help them as best you can with your amateur diagnoses, like declaring them to be “delusional”.
• Not everyone can be a Gryffindor; some people need a push to be brave and try new things. When you give a G rating to your Weasleycest fic in which Bill and Charlie sixty-nine each other on the dinner table, you are aiding these people in discovering something they never would have read otherwise, and it is important for everyone to have new experiences.

Sirius Black’s Nine Thousandth Pregnancy Ends With Birth of Twin Daughters

With the fourteenth chapter of author redblue-butterfly’s fanfic “Not the Last of the Blacks”, Sirius Black successfully delivered twin daughters at 8:46 P.M., Central Standard Time. Named Jade Ivy and Ivory Rose Black, the arrival of the identical twins marks the end of Black’s nine thousandth pregnancy.

Reviewers of “Not the Last of the Blacks” greeted the event with celebration. “omg im so glad sirus finaly had the twins!” wrote longtime reader danradcliffesgrrl1992. Referring to Severus Snape, the other father of the twins, she went on to ask, “u didnt say, do they look like sev at all? hope they don’t have his nose1”

Dead in the canon of the Harry Potter books since 2003, Sirius Black has continued to live a very active life in fanfiction. Since the introduction of his character in 1999, he has had sexual relations with every character in the series (with the singular exception of Susan Bones), married approximately one-fourth of them, acquired three hundred and twelve new magical powers, died several hundred times, and been resurrected at the rate of once every two days, also finding time to join the Dark Side on a fairly regular basis and have nine thousand pregnancies, some ending in the occasional tragic miscarriage but most resulting in twins or exceedingly beautiful single daughters. Though they are a minority compared to the twins and daughters, he also has one thousand sons named James, seven hundred and twenty-eight of who have Harry Potter as their godfather.

The important event of Black’s nine thousandth pregnancy is planned to be discussed among reviewers of “Not the Last of the Blacks” until redblue-butterfly writes the next chapter, and by members of Godawful Fan Fiction until they are distracted by Albus Dumbledore giving birth to a reincarnated Ginny Weasley.
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
2:22 pm
Issue Two
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

World’s Movie Ushers Mop Copious Amounts of Drool

Since the release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the movie theatre ushers of the world have been working long hours of overtime, trying to clean the drool from the floors so that the next showings on the film can commence.

“I could just kill that guy who plays Cedric Diggory,” says Justin Hansen, 21, who has worked in an Oregon movie theatre for the last two years. “Right now he’s probably sitting in some big house in wherever the English version of Hollywood is, sipping champagne or some crap, while I’m getting sore muscles in my arms from having to mop up drool from these crazy girls. It starts right when he jumps out of that tree, just like clockwork, they start drooling. Don’t even ask me about the Yule Ball. Last show, the drool was up to my knees.”

Angela Armond of Montreal is equally frustrated. “Would someone like to explain to me what is so droolworthy about some escaped convict who tortures people to insanity or whatever he did and then kills his dad? I mean, does that scream ‘devastatingly sexy’ to you? Well, I guess it does to some people, because he flicks his tongue out the side of his mouth and it’s like every girl in the theatre turns into a drainspout gargoyle. And then there’s Krum. God. Okay, so maybe I can understand it for Krum. And the twins. Oh, and when Harry’s in the bathtub.”

The copious amounts of drool have led to widespread panic in theatre owners, as their ushers frantically wade through the often waist-high drool, trying desperately to contain it in buckets so that the theatre will be ready for the next audience. In an extreme case found in Wiltshire, one usher brought his rowboat to the theatre so that he and his co-workers could successfully navigate the aisles.

Several theatres have also reported that tears are adding to the drool and increasing the floods of fluid on the floor. “’Boo hoo hoo, Cedric’s dead!’” says Juan Martinez of Cantonville, Florida, imitating the members of the audience. “’Oh my God, his dad’s crying! Oh, it’s so sad! Wah, wah, wah!’”

Senior usher Sam Bradley, also of Cantonville, recalls earlier days. “Back with that first Harry Potter movie, we had a few problems with puddles. I think it was mostly because of that Oliver [Wood] kid. Still, it wasn’t anything like this. There hasn’t been anything like this since those hobbit movies.”

What Do You Think?
The information that the initials of the mysterious R.A.B. were changed to R.A.Z. in Holland, where Sirius Black is called Sirius Zwarts, have led to increased speculation that R.A.B. is Regulus Black. What do you think?

“God, is this going to go on for the next two years until we get the seventh book? Because after four months of this, I think that R.A.B. is Really Annoying Bullshit.”
Gred Forge George, “Is Snape evil?” debater

“I think it’ll be Andromeda, back when she was Andromeda Black, and that she goes by her middle name. I bet we find out that during the first war, she was a spy who got Voldemort’s secrets through her special powers and eyes like sparkling amethysts, with help from her pet pink unicorn.”
Ruby-Sophia Evans, author of “Harry Potter and the Mysteriously Beautiful Princess”

“Okay, it’s from someone who seems to have some knowledge of dark magic, if he knew how to destroy a horcrux, had some reason to hate Voldemort, is probably dead, has a first name that starts with an R and a last name that starts with a B…come on, people, this isn’t rocket science.”
Hagrid4990, Occam’s Razor fan

“All right, here’s my theory. Remember when Harry and Hermione went back in time, and there were two Harrys and two Hermiones? Well, that means there were two Time-Turners, so one of the Hermiones turned it over a bunch of times and went back to when Voldemort was first powerful. She came up with the alias Rebecca Anne Barclay, and met a heliopath who told her about horcruxes, so she was able to destroy one. You know what the best part is? I can totally support this using evidence from canon.
Kristy of Rivendell, “Luna is McGonagall” theorist

“It could be that Amy Benson girl who was with Tom Riddle in the cave. Which would be funny, because I knew this girl named Amy Benson in primary school, and she was from this family who threw a fit over our class reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because it had a witch in it. She had all these warts on her hands, too.”
Lindsey Bevin, mod

“I think most ordinary, everyday, regulus – sorry, regular fans will tell you that there’s some pretty good evidence black – sorry, back in OotP.”
witchbaby2002, snarkmaster

Female Characters, Fans of Female Characters, Critics of Female Characters All Damned By Fandom

Any fan remotely associated with an XX chromosome runs the risk of being bashed by a large portion of the fandom, sources who wish to remain anonymous report.

“It’s a scary place out there,” says one fan, reporting from her hidden cave in Switzerland, where she has gone to escape from the nasty repercussions of a Ginny debate. “If you like a female character, half the fandom will dredge up all her faults or make some up, and if you don’t like a female character, the other half will say you’re a misogynist. Actually, the first half will do that too, if you like a character they think represents a stereotype. Even if you like a character but have some thoughts about her flaws, someone’s going to claim it represents some buried prejudice deep within your psyche. When I write my original series, it’s going to be set on an all-male planet so maybe the fandom can avoid this sort of thing. That is, if I can ever anonymously sneak the manuscript out of this cave for publication.”

Common accusations towards female characters include those of sexual promiscuity, general weakness, lack of an identity apart from an alliance with a man, Mary Sueness, plain annoyingness, purpose that is nothing but a plot device, presumptuous attitudes, and stupid hair.

“The only reason people hate Bellatrix is because she’s a strong female character,” says Medea, the author of over twenty fics featuring Bellatrix Lestrange as a main character. “They don’t want to see a woman who has power – the power to torture, murder, whine, and speak in creepy baby talk. It threatens their deep-seated fear of women who do anything else besides be devoted wives and mothers. Bellatrix isn’t subservient to a man; she’s subservient to a Dark Lord with one-seventh of a soul, which is a real victory for women’s rights. People don’t want to acknowledge this. They don’t want to hear what Bellatrix’s vagina would say if it could talk.”

“I think Molly Weasley has a few definite flaws,” an anonymous fan comments. “Overall she’s all right – I really like how much she cares for Harry, and it can’t have been easy raising seven children. But she has a tendency to get into things that aren’t any of her business, and constantly comparing the other kids to Percy in the earlier books was a bad idea. Ooooh, I criticized Molly! I have unresolved issues with my own mother and would never, ever have any of the same complaints if she were a man! Throw me into Feminist Azkaban and have your femmentors suck out my soul!”

Rumors of a Feminist Azkaban on the island of Lesbos are currently unconfirmed.

Ask a Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic

Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,

This is driving me crazy: is the plural of fic "fics," or is it "fic"? Because I've seen both used, and I don't know if they're both right or if there's a wrong one, and I don't want to sound like one of those people who says "sheeps."

Plase Clarify

"She's a friend," Cedric said, brushing a few strands of sun-kissed hair off his forehead. "I get along really well with Cho - we talk a lot about Quidditch and that sort of thing." He looked into Harry's eyes. "But I don't think about her the same way I think about you."

Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,

An online friend of mine and I have been collaborating on a fic for three months, and we've got maybe fifty readers or so. However, my "friend" has suddenly disappeared from online, and I can't contact her at all. She hasn't answered any e-mails and her LiveJournal is gone. Should I just keep writing the fic myself? Her parts really added a lot to it, but I can't find her, and I've gotten about ten different e-mails begging for a new chapter.

Abandoned Genficcer

Harry opened his eyes when he heard Cedric slip into the water. The bubbles in the tub were enough to cover both of them. "You don't think Myrtle's around here anywhere, do you?" he asked nervously. He'd forgotten that she liked to come to the bathroom to spy on the prefects.

"I hope not." Cedric leaned back against the side of the tub. "There's something I have to tell you in private."

Dear Week-Old Cedric/Harry Fic,

My twelve-year-old sister has suddenly gotten really, REALLY fascinated with the Death Eaters. She and her friends all drew the Dark Mark on their arms with Sharpies and she's saving up to buy the replica of Lucius Malfoy's cane (which costs 95 dollars). My parents don't read HP, so they don't get how weird it is that she's plastering Tom Riddle pictures all over her bedroom walls. Why is she so obsessed with a group of people who kill Muggles? Am I making too much of this?

Andromeda, Sister of Narcissa

Cedric's lips were warm and sweet; as they kissed Harry felt something inside him stir that he had never felt before - or maybe he had, in a long-forgotten dream. He stopped thinking about the fact that Cedric was a boy, stopped worrying about snogging in a deserted corridor, forgot that they were mere feet away from Snape's office. He felt the beating of Cedric's heart and sighed.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
12:24 pm
Issue One
The Mandrake
HP Fandom’s Finest News Source

Batshit Insane Shippers Making the Rest of Us Look Bad

Completely stupid, really idiotic, flat-out obnoxious, extraordinarily wanky batshit insane shippers are making the rest of us look bad, shippers from all reaches of the Harry Potter fandom agreed last Tuesday.

“So Harry/Hermione didn’t happen,” says H/Hr shipper Ambrosia Potter-Granger. “That’s okay. I figured I’d be excited if it did, but I didn’t really think it was going to. I’m more of an AU shipper anyway. But now those pathetic morons with the petition to ‘make’ JKR re-write HBP are making us all look like we’re disrespectful of her rights as an author and have no lives outside of fandom.”

Sirius/Remus shipper CosmicQuest1988 is equally disgruntled. “I’m not going to lie, I’m not happy with Remus/Tonks,” she says. “I didn’t get the feeling that Remus was really that interested in her, and I think Tonks bringing it all up in the infirmary scene was really tacky. I’m just tired of the whole thing. Not only does Remus/Tonks not invalidate Sirius/Remus, but those goddamn whiny puppyshippers with all their ‘OMG JKR IS TEH HOMOPHOBE!!11!1’ are giving me a headache. Can they just get off my side?”

Even those sailing canon ships are not exempt from batshit insane shippers making the rest of us look bad, as the comments of Remus/Tonks shipper Pink Wisteria illustrate. “Okay, thirteen-year-old girls? The multi-colored werewolf cubs thing was a joke. You can’t be born a werewolf anyway, go read Fantastic Beasts. Tonks isn’t going to give birth to a baby werewolf. And for the last time, giving a serious disease to your kids is not cute.

The completely stupid, really idiotic, flat-out obnoxious, extraordinarily wanky batshit insane shippers could not be reached for comment.

What Do You Think?
There are six horcruxes, plus one part of Voldemort’s soul left in his body, and Harry has to destroy all the ones that remain. What do you think is a horcrux?

“Okay, I know everyone’s thought of Harry and Harry’s scar, but has anyone ever thought of Harry’s eyes? Maybe he’ll have to blind himself – which would be appropriate, because Oedipus blinded himself and all Ginny is is a substitute for the mother Harry never had.”
Gargoyle, Harry/Ginny hater

“My vote goes to Trevor, because what else is the point of that toad?”
softredslippers, Neville fan

“Maybe one of them is Aberforth’s goat, and he’ll cry when the goat dies because he’s lost his one true love. Because we all know he did it with the goat. I mean, come on.”
9 3/4, Crookshanks/McGonagall shipper

“I think it’s going to be Mark Evans, because he has the same last name as Harry’s mother, so he has to tie in somewhere.”
Beth Douglas, fan without the Internet (and no relation to Lord Alfred Douglas)

“Sssssssssssssss. Ssssssssssssss, sssssssssssss, sssssss. Ssssss.”
Delphine Badeau, part-time Morfin Gaunt impersonator

“Kreacher! God, please God, please let it be Kreacher.”
Clara Pevensie, “Sirius-isn’t-dead” theorist

Fans Predict How Kloves Will Screw Up This Time

With four days left until the movie of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is released to the general public, anticipation is running high. Fans have purchased tickets in advance and are finishing up the final touches on their costumes. The debates over whether to watch clips and read reviews continue. And, as they have for every other HP movie since Chamber of Secrets, many fans wonder: just how much is screenwriter Steve Kloves going to screw it up this time?

“It’s not so much the huge parts of the plot cut out that I mind,” says Cecily Ravenclaw, a Harry Potter fan since 2000 and an active member of the online fandom since 2002. “They have to do that with any movie based on a really long book. But would it really kill Kloves to make Ron look cool for, I don’t know, five minutes? I still can’t believe that Hermione got Ron’s line in the Shrieking Shack in the PoA movie. Wait, never mind, I can. Kloves is obsessed with Hermione.”

“The last movie should have been called Hermione Granger and How Every Single Character Can’t Shut Up About How Smart She Is,” adds Cecily’s friend, GryffindorsHeir32. “I mean, I like Hermione. There’s nothing wrong with Hermione. But you can’t convince me that the very last thing Sirius says before he takes off with Buckbeak would be to tell Hermione how smart she is. What about Harry? You know, his godson? That kid he broke out of prison to help? The guy the series is named after?

“Speaking of Sirius, I saw PoA with my buddy Brent, who hasn’t read the books, and God, did I have to answer a buttload of questions afterwards. He was like, ‘Wait, how does Lupin know that the thing’s a map? If that rat guy really betrayed Harry’s parents, how come everyone thought the dog guy did it? Yeah, and why the hell are they all animals?’”

Ron/Hermione shipper Ella Rosa shares their concerns. “I don’t even want to know how much Kloves is going to make everyone mock Ron because of those dress robes [in the new film]. Plus, this is the one where Harry and Ron have the big fight, too, and you can just bet that Kloves is going to make Ron look like a hateful git. You know, by the time the plot gets to all the Ron/Hermione stuff, people who haven’t read the books are going to wonder why Hermione wants to be with that loser.”

Kloves is scheduled to hand over the job of writing the Order of the Phoenix screenplay to Michael Goldenberg but will return for Half-Blood Prince.

Ask a Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

My friend e-mailed me this really pretty picture of Lily, and I want to make an icon with it. The thing is, my friend saved it so long ago that she can’t remember who drew it, and even though I posted the picture on my LiveJournal to see if anyone else knew who did, it seems that no one does. In your opinion, would it be acceptable for me to make the icon anyway, and put “made by ?” in the comments? It’s a really great picture that looks exactly like how I imagine Lily in my head.

Wondering Lily Fan

I’m going to have to say that it’s a metaphor for AIDS; it sounds like blood is involved in the transfusion, and although it can be spread, it won’t be if proper precautions are taken. Then again, most of the time nowadays people get AIDS from engaging in unsafe behavior, which Remus obviously didn’t do as a little kid; maybe he’s comparable to the people who got AIDS back before anyone knew what it was. (I’m not saying that anyone deserves to get AIDS.)

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

Even though it happened a while ago, I’m still sort of irritated by JKR implying that all Draco fans just think Tom Felton is hot and are attracted to “bad boy” types, because I’m a Draco fan and that’s not the case with me. I’m tempted to write to JKR, but I have a feeling she’ll just disregard the letter. What do you think? Does she even get to read her fan mail anymore?

Still Frustrated

Okay, I don’t know about lycanthropy in general, but Fenrir Greyback is definitely a metaphor for pedophilia. I mean, “I like kids”...it doesn’t get much more obvious than that, and he specifically goes after children. Ugh, he just makes my skin crawl! Do you think we’re supposed to infer that he actually is a pedophile? Because my mum just finished the book last week, and that’s what she thinks.

Dear Lycanthropy as a Metaphor Debate,

What do you think the odds are that Harry’s going to die in the last book? My sister just started a betting pool on this yesterday, and so far most people in it think he’s going to survive. I really have no idea. What’s your opinion? (If I lose, I promise not to pay people in leprechaun gold…)

Truly No Idea

ok, u guys, i don’t know what lycnathropy is a meataphor for, but IT IS NOT BEING GAY!!!1!11! u dont become gay b-cuz some1 bites u!1!!!!

Netspeak is not permitted in the Park.
Morgana-Medusa, for FictionAlley
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